It's a bird, it's a plane. No, it's a pizza!

Drones. They are here. Only this time they are not playing big brother in war ravaged deserts but playing postman waale bhaiya. And surprise, surprise, it's not Bezos but some bozo from a lesser known Pizzeria in Mumbai who has stolen the thunder with the successful aerial delivery of a - Pizza. Which, of course, is apt since it might not be a great idea for anything of Italian origin to be on the Indian roads these days.

Pakistan aaj se tumhe "Flying Pizza"
ka khitaab deta hai

The technology had been in the works, and had been a subject of great hullaballoo among internet junkies, who were obviously delighted by this further reduction in human effort. There is no doubt about the fact that this is a game changes, and quite literally so as it changes a very fundamental and quintessential aspect of our lives. The Chidi Udd face offs.

The novel experiment, however, has already ruffled a few feathers, with the Mumbai police now seeking an explanation for doing this without their permeesan. Terror strike and all that threat via the aerial route. Little do they know that years of enmity has already been avenged by unleashing Ramiz Raja's commentary on our hapless cricket-watching souls.

There are obvious troubles that need to be tided over before the technology comes to daily use. Birds, for instance.

Imagine this drone peacefully sailing over the rooftops carrying a sinful Meatzaa. Right next to it is this part confused, part elated vulture going, "Freakin' flying dead meat! w00t w00t!".

And then there are other problems peculiar to India as well. Let's face it. Despite all the regulation, effort required and actual risk from it, people actually steal electricity from poles. Who is to say the same people won't man their terraces with a watchful eye, see a poor little drone carrying food fly by and batter it to submission with something as innocuous as a rolling pin?

Well, for now, this is an exciting attempt. Will this technology actually deliver? Or will it remain as it is now - up in the air? Only time will tell. But remember, drone't panic.

'Pyaasa' in the times of Facebook

So, I recently watched the much revered, some say arty (euphemism for ‘boring’ for most movie goers) flick from the fifties ‘Pyaasa’ with Guru Dutt, Waheeda Rehman, Mala Sinha et al. 

It is one remarkable movie and incredibly ahead of its time. So much so, I thought it should be (re)made now. Just imagine!

The basics

We’ll stick to the core theme. That is definitely the heart of the movie. So a poet unable to find his peace in the machinations of this world it is. However, we’ll have to redo the cast. ‘Coz I ain’t asking Waheeda ji to play a seductress now, and well, Dutt sahab is now de… oops.. zinda hai, zinda hai, hamare dilon mein.

So, who’ll be the poet? Manoj Bajpai? Although I am dead sure he will pull it off, somehow his magnificent job of Sardar Khan in GoW is so stuck in my head, I just can’t think of him as this melancholic shayar. Farhan Akhtar could take up the challenge, but na! 

Irrfan Khan, then. No questions. We have our male lead.

Who, then, for Meena (Mala Sinha)? I suggest Kareena. She does a fine job of being demure and bitchy at the same time. **cough** married for money & prestige **cough**. Has fine eyes with hints of sincere longing. 

Some more characters. Mr. Ghosh - the wily businessman who mints money and treats everyone like shit. If Kareena agrees to play his wife, I might consider casting Himesh here. Have you seen his slick hair, three-piece wearing retro avatar? Easy to hate. Snooty and pretentious flowing in the bloodstream. 

If somehow this deal doesn’t go through and mostly because Himesh will bring a lot of audience hate to the movie, Piyush Mishra could be called in. Have you ever wondered he looks quite a bit like the original guy!

                                  

 

Johnny Walker - funny, good natured barber. Ignoring obvious choices like Rajpal yadav, Johnny Lever, etc., I might want to experiment with funny-man RJ Mantra. Or maybe, Kiku Sharda. Ok, Kiku it is.

Poor man's Shashi Tharoor

The two brothers. Manoj Joshi (in pic) and maybe Boman Irani. Can pull off slimy, greedy scoundrels with ease. For the mom, get in Waheeda Ji - also a fitting tribute to the original.

Go for comedienne Bharti for the blink-and-you-miss Tun Tun ji’s appearance. 

Now, for ‘Gulabo’ - the prostitute with a heart full of chaste love. Cliched but we have no choice but to go for Madhuri.

And with that, we have our ensemble!

Keeping the plot, adapting the screenplay

So, we have our hapless poet Vijay, shunned by his fellow men, unemployed and penniless. 

Meanwhile, Vijay continues on his unsuccessful quest to get his poetry published.

To top his misery, his brothers sell his most precious works to the recycler. And he hopelessly wanders looking to get them back. Then one day, he hears a lovely voice reciting his own lines. And our petite Gulabo is thusly introduced.

After a creepy pursuit, some telling off from a flustered Gulabo and the dawning of realization that this infact was the poet whose lines Gulabo was in love with, they both indulge in this unseeming, part endearing, part reluctant kinship.

And suddenly,

One fine day our hero happens to recite a few lines in a college reunion and is noticed by a certain publisher Mr. Ghosh who invites him for a meeting. Delighted that he might have a shot at getting published, he visits him but realizes that all Ghosh requires is a servant (we realize that Mr. Ghosh is suspicious of his wife’s past with our friend Vijay and wants to see him up-close). Unwillingly, he accepts the offer because paapi pet.

Here he bumps into old flame Meena. They exchange a few greetings, old memories and a lot of awkwardness.

These exchanges continue. Inevitably, their past is discovered by Mr. Ghosh who promptly fires our man. Meena doesn’t utter a word. And Vijay sets out wandering aimlessly like before. One fine day he is informed of his mother’s death which comes as a massive body blow. And Vijay, who had been stoic to his suffering, now turns to complete despair.

So, he treads on. But things don’t really look up. And then, one day, while he is sleeping on a footpath with a few other homeless beings, an SUV runs its tyres over the hapless people. And so dies our hero. 

Or so are people led to believe.

A heartbroken Gulabo, in a bid to fulfill the dead man’s dream looks to get his writings published. When she chances upon this…

And so, the book takes shape, albeit virtually. And a phenomenal hit it is.

So much so that publisher Nile no more sells it for free and starts minting all the proceeds. 

But our guy Vijay is still alive. And soon, he discovers he is famous. Not too late post this, the publisher discovers he is alive and unleashes a plan to erase his identity.

And this enormous dose of greed takes over everyone. And they refuse to recognize the real Vijay. Irony hits the audience like a neat shot of rum. Unpleasant.

The real Vijay is trapped in an asylum. Hits a stroke of good luck finally one day, and manages to sneak out. Boards a local to Kalaghoda where his works are being celebrated.

He is bemused to see how people are fawning over the poet Vijay. He bursts into a song and announces his identity. The audience is like, “Woah!”, and in a matter of seconds, his return from death is trending.

Vijay is brought to the podium and recites a few more lines. He mentions, towards the end, that he is pained and will run away from all this.

But fate has something else in store. Post the show, he receives a call from mushy movie maker Kay Joe who says he is buying rights to every damn thing he is going to write from hereon. Soppy high five!

Vijay smiles. Nods. Lives happily ever after.