Harry Potter and the Wizards of Bollywood

The 'boy who lived' is a boy no more. He turns 33 today (or so say the record books). For many like me, Harry Potter became an integral part of our childhood, or rather teenage. I distinctly remember borrowing my first read from the school library (and I happened to read 'Chamber of Secrets' first due to its immediate availability. I remember accompanying my mother to the saturday morning show of 'The Philosopher's Stone' in the only movie hall that played english features in CHandigarh back then.

And then, there is another inseparable part of our growing up (and every single day now as well) - Bollywood. That bloke completed a century this year, and knowing this might be the zillionth salute this year, I doff my hat to this world of dreams that has made life more enjoyable in this real one for all of us.

What if both these institutions were one? How would the story of our boy wizard unfolded had one of our B-town showmen scripted it? So, here is a fanciful look at the what ifs...

Sooraj Barjatya

Barjatya missed out on Barty
Crouch's part in the original

The man who defined and redefined puppy love for over two decades. Raging teenage hormones run aplenty in the Potter series, and there is none better than Barjatya to boil them in a syrup of mush. 

Surely, he would have to bring back the Salman of the 90s to pull this one off. And Bhagyashree be the coy Ginny (I love Madhuri but she is just too good to play Ginny). Only this time around, our hero will not have to earn a lakh rupees in a year to impress his love's father. The Weasley mum and dad would be, without doubt, played by our respected Alok Nath and Reema Lagoo ji.

The Voldemort kind of evil has no place in the Rajshri view of the world. So, representing the dark side would be Mohnish Behl (akin to a rich, brash Draco) and a an Umbridge-sque Bindu. Oh, and for obvious reasons, I would see Dilip Tahil as Lucius Malfoy. 

Giving ample support to Potter's cause, and entertaining with his histrionics, will be Laxmikant Berde (God bless his soul!) sans the red hair and with a much-unlike-Granger gaon ki gori  to romance. 

Also, he is not siblings with Bhagyashree, and I will make a lot of technical digressions going forward too, so shut up!

The elegant Bhagyashree in a still from the classic 'Ullu ja ja'

After joyous prancing around the Whomping Willow, heartbreak and longing, above average violence (two instead of one slap), flirtatious coughs and sinister laughs, our man will fight the demons of his past (aided by his blackbuck-shaped patronus) and add another couple to the 'happily-ever-afters'. Sorry, Hermione, no place for you here - your affinity for logic and intelligence hurt you there. 

Ramesh Sippy 

Sippy sahab was way ahead of his time, always. His execution majestic, and stories timeless. And for once, he is sure to give us a Voldemort befitting the hype and the fear that surrounds him.

Dharam paaji in and as the celebrated Harry Puttar. Things, uncannily, do fit in - the stoic mentor Albus Thak-ore, the funny and caring friend in Bachchan, a little over-the-top Ginny and a way too silent, wise beyond her years Hermione. Buckbeak makes a special appearance as Ginny's flamboyant ride 'Dhanno'.

For years now, kids in this village have shuddered and hastily shut their eyes when their mothers uttered this: 'So ja beta, nahi to You Know Who aa jayega'. For a similar number of years, the wise old Thakore has waited for a hero to emerge and vanquish the dark lord. And thus land our deadly duo. They are making merry with bro-mantic motor rides, getting drunk and flirting with their love interests till the One who is not to be named opens the 'Chambal of Secrets' and ensnares poor Ginny in it. 

"Kab hai Halloween?", rages the Dark Lord

After some song and dance, and Nagini hissing about the huge reward on the Dark Lord's head, our heroes engage in an entertaining battle, as Ron ends up sacrificing his life for the sake of friendship. As Thak-ore moves in to finish a dying Voldy, our Harry Puttar throws him a 'Puhleeez, he's mine' look, and avenges the wrongs he had suffered at the hands of our villain.

The 'happily-ever-afters' make a comeback. Ah! Had to leave Hermione in the lurch, again.

Farhan Akhtar

I have a bone to pick with everyone
in Investment Banking

It's a story about friendship (surprise!) - the memorable moments, the squabbles, the making-up (and making-out) and the sacrifice that comes with it. Harry is not our hero here because he fights and defeats an evil wizard. He is a hero, as he fights his own self to become a better man. 

Our story here is not set in the years at college. It is set in the years beyond that - Harry has now moved to the dark side himself... and become an investment banker. Yes, Gringotts has now moved into M&A and deal financing! Life is perfect - a lavish house, gym-workout in between cracking multi-million deals with consummate ease and, we'll use creative freedom, a pretty Hermione for his wife (Preity for this one, hands down).

Yet, there is something missing. Hermione does not love Harry the banker, but the Harry she met in college. Meanwhile, school time friend Ron (played by Farhan himself) comes back into Harry's life, along with Neville and some others for good measure. Things are uncomfortable till Harry vents out his anger on Ron for having gotten involved with his now-wife in college, and perhaps, still occupying a place in her heart. After a bit of rough play, Ron apologises and both the men hug like the good ol' times.

At this point, Hermione, teary eyed, exclaims "Boys!" and then goes on to narrate how Harry's changed self is the true cause of their ever-increasing distance. Boom! Realization dawns on Harry and he sets out, in the company of old friends, to recreate the Magi(k)c!

Anurag Kashyap

Baap ka, Maa ka, Sirius ka... sabka
badla lega re tera Harry

Mukhiya Voldemort Singh is on a killing spree to assert his dominance, and delivers a double whammy this time by killing both Harry's parents. "Idharva / Udharva?", he shouted inquiring of them whether they will join him or be killed. A moment's hesitation and it was all over. They were innocent people - his parents. His father's only brush with the lord was when the latter had decided to rename the town. He asked for suggestions, and Potter senior, in a bid to attract attention marched on a rath to the lord's house and shouted, "Hogwart! Hogwart! Hogwart!". 

That fateful night, li'l Harry was sleeping under a mosquito net, and managed to escape the dark 'land'-lord's eye. Incidentally, the same night a blood-sucking insect stung him on his forehead leaving a scar.

No, it did not give him the power to talk to insects, but the mark constantly reminded him of the revenge that had to be sought. At the age of 11, he started training under the tutelage of a renowned katta marksman and town goon. There he meets another small-town boy Ron (pronounced as Rone) and smarter-than-thou Her-mohini (Huma, of course). For most part of their school days, they have another friend of theirs - no, not Ginny (we shall be ignoring her more often than not) - but Mary Jane. 

"Beta, tumse na ho payega!"

Only once they are done with the Mary Jane business does Harry (aka Hari) remember his vow to avenge his parents' murder. What followed was a roller coaster ride with Ron trying to carve wands out of trees, Her-mohini trying to look her ravishing best, the Lord's sidekick Malfoy (Malviya anglacized) failing to finish them off - all culminating in an epic face-off where Harry leaves Voldemort 'riddle'd with bullets (you see what I did there!)

Yash Chopra/Aditya Chopra/KJo
Another run of the mill romance. This, however, was shot in Switzerland instead of the more obvious English capital. 

Also, no place for murderous violence again. So, Voldemort is evil only because he has a pretty daughter who he does not want to marry off to our hero Harry. Ya, another thing. Harry's parents don't agree with the marriage as well and announce that he will have to choose between them and the girl. 

Senorita, bade bade sheheron mein
choti choti baatein hoti rehti hain...

Away from her father's eyes, Harry romances Hermione in exotic locales, drives in Ford Anglia (Diesel), and runs across the greens. As this movie is in two parts, at the end of part I, Harry fights off Voldy's goons, his ego and village boy Draco Singh to win the girl's hand. But, things don't look up really as the couple have to move to a distant country away from the chatrachaaya of maa-babuji.

Ronny breaks down as he reveals
his identity to his brother

Part II: Enter young bro (this one's adopted) Ronny. On a mission to get elder brother andbhabhi home. He travels to their place of residence on the pretext of studying advanced OWLs, randomly stays in their place as a stranger, wins their trust and all, and finally pops the question. "Ghar chaliye, bhaiya!". A deluge of emotions ensues, and, unsurprisingly, all is well in the end. The movie ends with their mother running to the door exclaiming, "Mere Harry-Ron aa gaye!"





Ram Gopal Verma
Ok, do we really care? Yes, only in this one, the protagonist is not Harry but Peeves the Poltergeist. 
                                                                     _ _ _ _ _ _ _ 

And that's all I could think of, or actually write about without making this writeup inordinately huge. Apologies to Ginny for having ignored her in most stories - but come to think of it, Harry and Hermione should have been together or would have been if Bollywood had its way.

Also, clarification - though I might have stereotyped director styles, wrote sarcastically about their plots - truth remains, I love Bollywood and all there is to it. May their tribe increase!

A matter of choice

This is, perhaps, the first time that I am writing about something that concerns what I do for a living.

A bit of background. So, one of the companies that I track as an analyst is Sterlite Industries. Now, Sterlite's Aluminium refinery has been shut for over half a year now because they ran out of economically useful Bauxite. For some years now, they have been looking to mine Bauxite from Niyamgiri Hills in Odisha and, to do so, have sought requisite approvals. In 2010, the Ministry of Environment and Forests had decided that their forest approval be quashed as the area in question is home to tribal communities. Ever since, the court battle has been on, and only in April last the SC finally decided to let the tribals take the decision themselves. They vote and, based on that, the Ministry decides. Seems this is as fair as things get.

Twelve Sabhas (conventions) are to be held as part of the process, three of which are already over. Unanimous voice - No mining atop the Niyamgiri Hill. Reason? Niyam Raja or the Lord of the Mountains is sacred to the Tribals and they will not tolerate anyone touching his abode for their gains. For the sake of this piece, I will discount the fact that such votes are often dominated by the opinion/influence of a few people who may or may not have a vendetta against the concerned company.

My question is - Do these people even know the import of the exercise? How many of them, for example, would understand the importance Aluminium production bears for the progress of the nation? How many of them are really aware of their being part of the Indian nation? Is it an issue of religious belief or is it the paranoia of private companies always deemed to be 'evil' in their intent? Let's say the Bauxite mining will spoil their current habitat and knowing this, Sterlite offers these people a house and employment opportunities to some members of the family. The decision sounds like a no-brainer, right? Yet, these people, apparently, are choosing a life of ignorance and hardship, cocooning themselves in the face of an alien force.

But is it really this simple? Is one way of life decidedly "better" than the other? Coming from the seemingly uneducated tribals the attachment to a sacred hilltop might seem ridiculous. But do our educated folk know better? Do we know better? All of us have had one silly, inanimate thing we feel a divine connection with, and would do anything to protect it. Maybe, it is this hill for the tribals.

The answers to these questions might never be understood. All I hope is the communities know what they are or are not signing up for? It is sad to see when little-knowing groups of people take decisions under the influence of a handful of manipulators, vehemently fight it out for these decisions to come through and end up losing everything they had or could have had. Hope the Dongria and Kutia Kondhs don't meet this fate.

Movie Review: Bhaag Milkha Bhaag (2013)

Release date: 12th July 2013
Director: Rakeysh Omprakash Mehra
Rating: 4.25/5

With this review, I am forced to make parametric changes to the rating scale, making the 0.25 increments possible atleast for scores above 3. This is because I am an eternal optimist and hope that I am yet to see the 4.5-5 quality of movies.

It is implicit in the above that I really liked Bhaag Milkha... It is always pleasurable to see a movie where, from the word go, you are certain that the makers have done their research well and have put a lot of heart and effort in the movie. BMB is one such movie.

Right from the impeccable move to cast Farhan Akhtar to making him recraft himself into a veritable Greek God, from the dark gloomy scenes of pre-partition Punjab to shooting at breathtaking locales in Ladakh, the director left no stone unturned to bring his vision to fruition.

Farhan Akhtar completes his transformation from a director-actor to an actor-director with this one. If this doesn't get him a bagful of awards, I have no idea what will. The depiction of the coach-athlete or rather guru-shishya is heart warming. The movie also manages to pepper the heavy emotion plot with light humorous moments, especially from Milkha's regiment days.

What impresses one is the deft cinematography. Visuals of Milkha's ghosts from the past are haunting. One sequence I would want to mention here is when Milkha wraps his messages to his love interest in a rubber ball and throws it atop her balcony - the montage of scenes with the ball landing in a colourful array of things like red chillies, turmeric, splashing a bucket of water is camerawork at its best.

What could have made things better? A shorter run-time. There were things which could have been done away with, well, like Sonam Kapoor. What could have also made the story more digestible was showing some folly on the part of Milkha. I am sure the real life Milkha is a hero, but portraying him as a sort of a demi-god was avoidable. Another thing here - it is my request to stop depicting Pakistan as if it is a land of evil, bitter people. Although it might have been done as a stepping stone to Milkha's heightened patriotism, showing the Pakistani coach, the athlete, the press (save General Ayub Khan) as ruthless, foul-mouthed bastards while the Indian contingent plays victimized souls is extremely pathetic.

The background score is, unsurprisingly, appropriate. SEL all the way, baby! All in all , a definite watch this summer. A big thanks to the team for bringing out a good story from a less-talked about sport, and doing complete justice to it.

Food Review: Faaso's

Location: Right at your doorstep

Sooner or later, this page was going to move towards takeaway/delivery joints from the 'have it here' places. Well, here's your first digression then.

Faaso's motto is to desify your regular wrap/roll/frankie, and deliver it to you, right at your doorstep. It does pretty well at the quality of the wraps, with a fine assortment of non-vegetarian ones, and a good variety of vegetarian stuff too, if I can recollect well. Even a single wrap is filling enough, and for the more hungry ones, they have lite bites too, which are essentially smaller wraps.

They have recently introduced chicken/mutton biryani as well, which is recommended, if one is in luck and calls in when the Faaso's centre hasn't already run out of rice and/or mutton and/or chicken. The food is good value for money. Faaso's looks to have worked well at their innovative packaging- colourful, safe and peppered with witty one liners.

The problem, though this could be particular to the franchise I order from, is their delivery! On the face of it, the order-taker assures one of delivery within 30 minutes, and immediately sends you a number which could be used to track one's order online. However, on numerous occasions, I have been subject to a really long wait, inspite of having received a 'your order is out for delivery' message a few eons before I finally receive the order.

My recent experiences say they are working to make delivery more efficient. That done, this one is a convenient, good-quality food option.

Food: 6.5/10
Ambience: N.A.
Service: 6.5/10
Value for money: 8/10

Food Review: Dakshinayan

Location: Walkeshwar, Mumbai

One simply does not walk into Sobo-land expecting a typical South Indian meal experience. But, then there is Dakshinayan.

I got acquainted to the eatery during my first trip to Mumbai, but it was only a month back that I, along with my flatmates from the 'South of Vindhyas' revisited this one. They love the food. And this is the first +1.

I have my favourites too. Having tried the rava dosai, mysore masala dosai, and the other permutations and combinations, I must compliment the preparation. However, one has to agree that getting the dosai right is like a hygiene test for an authentic South Indian food place. Dakshinayan has more to offer. One can get the mini idlis, which are nice to eat and rather cute! There is a spring dosai which has an average person's monthly intake of cheese as garnish.

Major attractions include 'Sweet Pongal', which is utterly true to its 'sweet' name. I found it pretty delightful, and again it has been hugely thumbs-upped by my Southie-tongued friends. Beverages obviously include filter coffee which I would classify as ordinary. I would suggest trying out the 'ginger ale' on the menu. Great fizz, a moderate dash of ginger and compliments the food very well.

The seating area is rather small. Try heading here on a Sat-Sun night and be prepared to wait for atleast 10-20 minutes. Also, remember that the place opens only at 11am, so it is not really your breakfast haunt. The interiors are anything but plush, and look more so considering the location of the restaurant. Also, this one's most definitely atleast a 15-20 min drive from your place of residence. If it is not, send me your number. I would love to mooch some money off your overflowing coffers.

Also, very easy on the pocket. Definitely, worth a visit.

Food: 7.5/10
Ambience: 3.5/10
Service: 7/10
Value for money: 8.5/10