Harry Potter and the Wizards of Bollywood

The 'boy who lived' is a boy no more. He turns 33 today (or so say the record books). For many like me, Harry Potter became an integral part of our childhood, or rather teenage. I distinctly remember borrowing my first read from the school library (and I happened to read 'Chamber of Secrets' first due to its immediate availability. I remember accompanying my mother to the saturday morning show of 'The Philosopher's Stone' in the only movie hall that played english features in CHandigarh back then.

And then, there is another inseparable part of our growing up (and every single day now as well) - Bollywood. That bloke completed a century this year, and knowing this might be the zillionth salute this year, I doff my hat to this world of dreams that has made life more enjoyable in this real one for all of us.

What if both these institutions were one? How would the story of our boy wizard unfolded had one of our B-town showmen scripted it? So, here is a fanciful look at the what ifs...

Sooraj Barjatya

Barjatya missed out on Barty
Crouch's part in the original

The man who defined and redefined puppy love for over two decades. Raging teenage hormones run aplenty in the Potter series, and there is none better than Barjatya to boil them in a syrup of mush. 

Surely, he would have to bring back the Salman of the 90s to pull this one off. And Bhagyashree be the coy Ginny (I love Madhuri but she is just too good to play Ginny). Only this time around, our hero will not have to earn a lakh rupees in a year to impress his love's father. The Weasley mum and dad would be, without doubt, played by our respected Alok Nath and Reema Lagoo ji.

The Voldemort kind of evil has no place in the Rajshri view of the world. So, representing the dark side would be Mohnish Behl (akin to a rich, brash Draco) and a an Umbridge-sque Bindu. Oh, and for obvious reasons, I would see Dilip Tahil as Lucius Malfoy. 

Giving ample support to Potter's cause, and entertaining with his histrionics, will be Laxmikant Berde (God bless his soul!) sans the red hair and with a much-unlike-Granger gaon ki gori  to romance. 

Also, he is not siblings with Bhagyashree, and I will make a lot of technical digressions going forward too, so shut up!

The elegant Bhagyashree in a still from the classic 'Ullu ja ja'

After joyous prancing around the Whomping Willow, heartbreak and longing, above average violence (two instead of one slap), flirtatious coughs and sinister laughs, our man will fight the demons of his past (aided by his blackbuck-shaped patronus) and add another couple to the 'happily-ever-afters'. Sorry, Hermione, no place for you here - your affinity for logic and intelligence hurt you there. 

Ramesh Sippy 

Sippy sahab was way ahead of his time, always. His execution majestic, and stories timeless. And for once, he is sure to give us a Voldemort befitting the hype and the fear that surrounds him.

Dharam paaji in and as the celebrated Harry Puttar. Things, uncannily, do fit in - the stoic mentor Albus Thak-ore, the funny and caring friend in Bachchan, a little over-the-top Ginny and a way too silent, wise beyond her years Hermione. Buckbeak makes a special appearance as Ginny's flamboyant ride 'Dhanno'.

For years now, kids in this village have shuddered and hastily shut their eyes when their mothers uttered this: 'So ja beta, nahi to You Know Who aa jayega'. For a similar number of years, the wise old Thakore has waited for a hero to emerge and vanquish the dark lord. And thus land our deadly duo. They are making merry with bro-mantic motor rides, getting drunk and flirting with their love interests till the One who is not to be named opens the 'Chambal of Secrets' and ensnares poor Ginny in it. 

"Kab hai Halloween?", rages the Dark Lord

After some song and dance, and Nagini hissing about the huge reward on the Dark Lord's head, our heroes engage in an entertaining battle, as Ron ends up sacrificing his life for the sake of friendship. As Thak-ore moves in to finish a dying Voldy, our Harry Puttar throws him a 'Puhleeez, he's mine' look, and avenges the wrongs he had suffered at the hands of our villain.

The 'happily-ever-afters' make a comeback. Ah! Had to leave Hermione in the lurch, again.

Farhan Akhtar

I have a bone to pick with everyone
in Investment Banking

It's a story about friendship (surprise!) - the memorable moments, the squabbles, the making-up (and making-out) and the sacrifice that comes with it. Harry is not our hero here because he fights and defeats an evil wizard. He is a hero, as he fights his own self to become a better man. 

Our story here is not set in the years at college. It is set in the years beyond that - Harry has now moved to the dark side himself... and become an investment banker. Yes, Gringotts has now moved into M&A and deal financing! Life is perfect - a lavish house, gym-workout in between cracking multi-million deals with consummate ease and, we'll use creative freedom, a pretty Hermione for his wife (Preity for this one, hands down).

Yet, there is something missing. Hermione does not love Harry the banker, but the Harry she met in college. Meanwhile, school time friend Ron (played by Farhan himself) comes back into Harry's life, along with Neville and some others for good measure. Things are uncomfortable till Harry vents out his anger on Ron for having gotten involved with his now-wife in college, and perhaps, still occupying a place in her heart. After a bit of rough play, Ron apologises and both the men hug like the good ol' times.

At this point, Hermione, teary eyed, exclaims "Boys!" and then goes on to narrate how Harry's changed self is the true cause of their ever-increasing distance. Boom! Realization dawns on Harry and he sets out, in the company of old friends, to recreate the Magi(k)c!

Anurag Kashyap

Baap ka, Maa ka, Sirius ka... sabka
badla lega re tera Harry

Mukhiya Voldemort Singh is on a killing spree to assert his dominance, and delivers a double whammy this time by killing both Harry's parents. "Idharva / Udharva?", he shouted inquiring of them whether they will join him or be killed. A moment's hesitation and it was all over. They were innocent people - his parents. His father's only brush with the lord was when the latter had decided to rename the town. He asked for suggestions, and Potter senior, in a bid to attract attention marched on a rath to the lord's house and shouted, "Hogwart! Hogwart! Hogwart!". 

That fateful night, li'l Harry was sleeping under a mosquito net, and managed to escape the dark 'land'-lord's eye. Incidentally, the same night a blood-sucking insect stung him on his forehead leaving a scar.

No, it did not give him the power to talk to insects, but the mark constantly reminded him of the revenge that had to be sought. At the age of 11, he started training under the tutelage of a renowned katta marksman and town goon. There he meets another small-town boy Ron (pronounced as Rone) and smarter-than-thou Her-mohini (Huma, of course). For most part of their school days, they have another friend of theirs - no, not Ginny (we shall be ignoring her more often than not) - but Mary Jane. 

"Beta, tumse na ho payega!"

Only once they are done with the Mary Jane business does Harry (aka Hari) remember his vow to avenge his parents' murder. What followed was a roller coaster ride with Ron trying to carve wands out of trees, Her-mohini trying to look her ravishing best, the Lord's sidekick Malfoy (Malviya anglacized) failing to finish them off - all culminating in an epic face-off where Harry leaves Voldemort 'riddle'd with bullets (you see what I did there!)

Yash Chopra/Aditya Chopra/KJo
Another run of the mill romance. This, however, was shot in Switzerland instead of the more obvious English capital. 

Also, no place for murderous violence again. So, Voldemort is evil only because he has a pretty daughter who he does not want to marry off to our hero Harry. Ya, another thing. Harry's parents don't agree with the marriage as well and announce that he will have to choose between them and the girl. 

Senorita, bade bade sheheron mein
choti choti baatein hoti rehti hain...

Away from her father's eyes, Harry romances Hermione in exotic locales, drives in Ford Anglia (Diesel), and runs across the greens. As this movie is in two parts, at the end of part I, Harry fights off Voldy's goons, his ego and village boy Draco Singh to win the girl's hand. But, things don't look up really as the couple have to move to a distant country away from the chatrachaaya of maa-babuji.

Ronny breaks down as he reveals
his identity to his brother

Part II: Enter young bro (this one's adopted) Ronny. On a mission to get elder brother andbhabhi home. He travels to their place of residence on the pretext of studying advanced OWLs, randomly stays in their place as a stranger, wins their trust and all, and finally pops the question. "Ghar chaliye, bhaiya!". A deluge of emotions ensues, and, unsurprisingly, all is well in the end. The movie ends with their mother running to the door exclaiming, "Mere Harry-Ron aa gaye!"





Ram Gopal Verma
Ok, do we really care? Yes, only in this one, the protagonist is not Harry but Peeves the Poltergeist. 
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And that's all I could think of, or actually write about without making this writeup inordinately huge. Apologies to Ginny for having ignored her in most stories - but come to think of it, Harry and Hermione should have been together or would have been if Bollywood had its way.

Also, clarification - though I might have stereotyped director styles, wrote sarcastically about their plots - truth remains, I love Bollywood and all there is to it. May their tribe increase!